I have a smoking problem. I have been self-imposing a legal form of slavery and violence against myself for 15 years. I think my addiction stems from previous ones, even from in the womb when I started sucking my thumb. I think the thumb-sucking turned into another obessesive behavior, and then into another, and I have been transferring it ever since. Smoking seemed to be the most satisfying in the moment for me. Then again, I always have a more positive memory of unhealthy relationships after they are over. I think, "Wouldn't it be nice to have just one smoke right now? And then pretend it never happened?" But that would be the next beginning of the end of my upperhand on those little evil sticks. I have stopped smoking several times in my life for any significant time period: a year, two years, three years. All it takes is that one little moment of over-confidence, the assumption that I am in control, and I'm in my shackles and chains by the end of the week. Pack-a-day shackles and chains. Every 15 minutes if I can, but every hour, it will happen. I will be out there in the rain, shine, snow, sleet, or hail.
I have stopped smoking now, but if I were to be so bold as to declare myself FREE from that addiction, the cigarettes might hear me, see a window of opportunity, and I'd be vulnerable to their next attack. I have to always remember that I am an addict. I am not responsible, so I give myself no leeway.
When I got pregnant, I declared the babies non-smokers. I could not smoke them out in there. I just couldn't. Cold turkey, done. And it never once bothered me, not one moment of weakness during my pregnancy at all. I felt like my body didn't belong to me for that time and I had no right to abuse it.
Now that they are here, I do have moments of weakness. But I am still winning the war on cigarettes. Hallelujah! It's been almost two years now. I wonder what I have transferred my addiction to this time. It's usually pretty obvious, but this time, I'm not sure. Coffee? That was there before. It did seem to take on more of a priority. Hmm.... What am I addicted to now???
OH!!!! I know!
Facebook.
